I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
