I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
