i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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