We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
