I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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