my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
