Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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