you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
