I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize