seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
