as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
