You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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