I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
