The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
