Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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