I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
