You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
