I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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