So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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