You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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