Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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