Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize