She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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