so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
