Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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