I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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