Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Randomize
