guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment