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i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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