i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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