I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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