Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
