Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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