trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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