your parents love me but you hate me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
