Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
