I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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