Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
