Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
