My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
