Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
