she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
