She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
