Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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