Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
