Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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