Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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