Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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