if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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