my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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