I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
