Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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