lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
