I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
