Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
