i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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