At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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