I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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